Bling Bling

(In response to Accessories)

I'm afraid we need to discuss something here before we get to the main part of this article. As you all know, the purpose of my blog is respond to those people over at Class All Day and correct their lies. Well in their latest post about Accessories, I noticed something that just, well, it was a bit low even for them. Some might even say it was un-classy. What am I talking about you ask? Well I'm talking about plagiarism.

Take a look at this screen shot I took from their blog.

Does anything about that screen shot look familiar to you? Maybe you should brush up on some of my previous articles, specifically my article on Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. For those of you too lazy too look through that, let me post the screen shot of importance from that article.

Does anything look...familiar about that screenshot? It's almost like there's some similarity between Class All Day's most recent blog post, and a post that I wrote back on May 4th. Oh wait, now I see it, THEY STOLE MY IMAGE THAT I STOLE FROM GOOGLE!! I mean they weren't even subtle about it. I'm surprised they didn't rip off my caption as well.

Now I realize that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. By Class All Day just taking things from my articles and posting it in there's, they have essentially announced to the internet that they are wrong. They are admitting that my posts are not only full of better ideas (thus why they are stealing them), but that I'm inherently correct in everything I write, which by default makes everything they write a lie. To most people, this realization would be enough to quell their anger. Me? Well, I'm petty. So in the spirit of Class All Day both plagiarizing and admitting that I am right, I'm going to go ahead and rewrite their Accessories article right here in this article. Seems fair doesn't it? So, on to the article.

Bling Bling

The definition of accessory is, "Something nonessential but desirable that contributes to an effect or result." What is the key part of that definition? The word nonessential. That's right, by definition, accessories to an outfit are not essential. They only exist to add to the ambiance of your little outfit. Well if there's been one consistent theme I've taught you my fellow readers, it's that more is always better. So when it comes to figuring out what accessories you want to wear, just ask yourself, whats the clothing equivalent of wearing a lit sparkler around your neck? (Answer: Wearing a lit sparkler around your neck). The bigger the effect, the better. So while I'll only go into detail about some possible accessories for you to bling yourself out with, don't think these are your only options. Use your imagination! If you want a grill, by all means get yourself a grill! If you want to wear peacock feathers on your head, who am I to stop you? The only limit to your accessories is what the law dictates.

Watches

What is the purpose of a watch? Now you must be thinking this is some type of trick question, because its such a simple question. But trust me, I'm not trying to trick you my dear readers. The purpose of a watch is to tell time. That's it. In fact in this day and age, clocks come on everything. There is a clock on your phone, in your car, on your mp3 player, and even on condoms (presumably so you know when it's business time). So with keeping track of time so easy nowadays, why on earth would you ever pay more than $15 for a watch? It's the same principle I wrote about in my last post about purses. It's a bag of fabric, why pay a grand for it? The only difference between a $15 dollar watch and a $2000 dollar rolex is the price tag. They both keep time, and that's the point of a watch, so why waste your time and money picking out a "nice" watch?

Now that we've determined that watches are for telling time and it doesn't really matter what watch you use, we have to come to terms with something. In terms of making a statement...watches are kind of bland. Everyone has them. Even if your watch is more expensive than someone else's, it still looks like a watch, unless of course you steal Flava Flav's watch and put it on a hippo. Now that would catch some peoples attention.

You think he got that watch from Walmart?

So how do you make a statement with a watch? It goes back to the same principle I keep preaching, wear more watches! Now I'm not talking about a couple of watches. I'm talking about 15 on each arm! I realize you already have 4 or 5 on your belt by way of phones in holsters, but if you are wearing a sleeve of watches plus a grandfather clock around your neck, its pretty safe to assume that everyone and their blind grandmother will notice you. Also, don't be afraid to wear digital watches. The point of a watch is to tell the time, and you don't want to be late to your white supremacy meeting because it took you ten minutes to read your watch.

I hired someone with all the money I saved by buying a cheap watch to take notes for me

Bags

Editors Note: In trying to rewrite this paragraph, I had some trouble understanding what the hell the author was trying to say. We should be dressed the same way our girlfriends are dressed, but we shouldn't dress in such a way that makes people question whether we are male or female? What? So men shouldn't carry a big bag, and should wear a pretty polka dot dress. And Class All Day expects us to take them seriously? I mean they are telling us we should be cross dressers! Here's my rewrite to this whole paragraph that was supposed to be about bag accessories: Women shouldn't pay more than $20 dollars on a bag/purse. Men shouldn't ever carry a bag or "man purse" unless they want people taking bets on if they are gay. There, done, lets move on.

Something tells me Class All Day won't be stealing this image...

Belts/Shoes

I have a love/hate relationship with belts. I love that they keep my pants up so people don't see my whitey tighties. I love that I can take it off and use it to teach my woman that you never use Swiss cheese on a grilled cheese sandwich (American or GTFO). I hate that wannabe cowboys wear these belts with these huge belt buckles that scream, "I'm compensating for whats right below this huge belt buckle." However, as much as I hate those huge belt buckles, in terms of accessorizing, they are a necessary evil. A belt is a belt. However if you can attach a giant belt buckle to it that is a blinged out dollar sign that spins, well now you are a making a statement. I know I know, I just said that big belt buckles are just people trying to compensate, but isn't accessorizing really just a way of compensating anyway? As long as you are committing the crime, might as well embrace it.

Oh and in terms of matching your belt to your shoes, or whatever nonsense that is, who cares? You know what the one thing is no one ever notices about your outfit? Your shoes. Why? Because who ever looks at someones feet? The purpose of shoes is to protect your feet. That's it. People notice if you are barefoot, and that's about it. So go ahead and find a comfortable $5 dollar pair of shoes at K-Mart. Save that money and spend it on something awesome, like lava lamp pants. Now THAT is accessorizing!

Also acceptable, these shoes.