Common Sense

(In response to Shorts.)

Winter coats and shoes are sooo 2008

The year was 1775. The most powerful empire in the world was the British Empire. They had the biggest military, navy, and their influence over the world was undeniable. To try and take on the British was suicide...and that's exactly what America did in 1775. Now everyone knows the end result of the American Revolution, but how exactly did we Americans win? Simple, we used common sense. Standard war practices back in the 1700's were, well, pretty stupid. Both sides would line up in an open field, aim at each other, and then fire. The British made it even easier for the other side to spot them by wearing bright red. This was war, and in the 1700's the British were exceedingly good at shooting from straight lines.

And at terrifying the enemy with their teeth

Well when we crafty Americans started this war with the English and saw the way they were doing things, George Washington looked at the giant line of red painted targets and said, "Screw that noise, we gonna shoot from behind rocks and shit." And that's what we did. While the British in their brightly colored uniforms lined up neatly in the open, the Americans in their darker outfits hid behind trees and rocks and fired upon them. Is it any wonder that we won? All it took to overthrow the most powerful empire in the world was for one person to realize that shooting from behind something was more effective than shooting from the middle of an open field. Common sense. It's what separates us from the youtube sensations.

"What do you mean humans can't fly?"

The ability to rationalize is what separated the human race from the animals as well. Cavemen realized that when the weather got cold, they should put on more clothing because it kept them warmer. When winter became spring, and the weather became warmer, cavemen then learned, predictably, that they should take off some of their clothing because it was hot. Common sense. By adapting to the weather conditions, the human race was able to stay healthy and comfortable year round while continuing to live and work.

Once we reached the modern era, something terrible happened to common sense. It died. Specifically, people invented this absurd notion of fashion. Nothing about fashion makes sense. In fact it spits in the face of common sense. Let's go down the list of things in fashion that go against conventional wisdom.

First, the corset. Yea it was great at giving a woman some serious curves, but at the cost of being able to breath. You know, no biggie.

It was so much easier to pick up women back in the day. All you did was wait for them to pass out...then you picked them up and carried them away

Oh and what about the monocle? That made a shit ton of sense didn't it? Hey, let me continually squint so I can keep this round piece of glass over one of my eyes that doesn't actually serve any purpose except for some reason it will make me look classy! Brilliant! Oh and those wigs men used to wear back when we were fighting the British in order to show status. Man I wish we could bring those back. Nothing like non-bald men wearing wigs. Pinnacle of common sense.

Can't. Look. Away...

The other thing fashion does is take something that is seemingly a good idea, and make it nonsensical. For example, take a woman's purse. The idea of a purse is pretty good I must admit. It's essentially a stylish backpack. Then someone went and made them cost $1000 dollars. Wait...people pay a grand for a bag made out of fabric? I mean I realize women have to keep their travel spatulas somewhere, but $1000 for a bag?! Also this:

"I see shoe, I see head, I see shoe on head!"

Even fashion spits in the face of fashion. If the point of fashion is to look good at the expense of comfort...then why the hell do Ugg boots exist? Explain this to me? They are ugly as sin! Of course someone will tell me, "But they are super warm and comfortable." You know what else is comfortable...wearing shorts when its hot. But that's against fashion trends and Ugg boots aren't...is anyone else failing to see the logic in this?

Brain...melting...from...the herpes I just got from looking at that girl...

That leads us conveniently to the point of this article. Apparently it is undignified for a man to wear shorts. Like...ever. If you want to look classy and be an upstanding gentlemen, you have to wear pants year round. Why you may be asking? I don't know. If fashion dictated that you had to wear shorts in the winter, would anyone follow that trend? Of course not, because that's retarded. This whole pants thing is just more proof of fashion turning on fashion. Society wants us to go to the gym and be fit, yet they want us to hide those sculpted legs under pants? Society wants us to smell good and wear fragrances, yet they want us to wear pants in 90 degree heat that cause so much swass that no amount of perfume can hide it? It's ok, my brain hurts too.

The main goal of the human race is to live comfortably. You can't tell me otherwise. Men wanted to be comfortable where they were living, so they built shelter. Men wanted to be able to eat on a regular basis, so they created agriculture. Men wanted to be warm in the winter and cool in the summer, so they dressed appropriately. Common sense. It's how mankind defeated nature and how America defeated England. Don't let it go to waste.