What's that smell?

(In response to Fragrances)

There aren't many things I hate in this world. I've already told you about one such thing that is on my hate list, the horse. Well today I'd like to tell you about another thing on my hate list, commercials. Commercials are to TV what herpes are to humans, an annoyance that seems to pop up at the most inopportune times. The best invention of the past decade was the DVR which gives us the ability to fast forward through those commercials that talk about the new miracle pill that has no vowels in the name and has a list of side-effects that make you seriously question why you are taking the drug in the first place.

Cure baldness with txpz! Side effects include vomiting, loss of teeth, growth of extra appendages, loss of appendages, loss of hair, blindness

Yet, despite my hatred for both horses and advertisements, one man was able to not only bring both together in an advertisement that I didn't absolutely hate, but he was able to bring them together in something I actually enjoyed! Who is this man you ask? That man is Isaiah Mustafa!

I'd let him ride me like a horse...

The fact that this delicious specimen of man brought two things together that I hate and made them enjoyable immediately made me pay attention to what he was saying. His message was simple, men shouldn't smell like ladies, they should smell like men! It's such common sense, yet here we are having to talk about it. Back in the day if you asked a man what fragrance he put on, he would look at you, slap you with the back of his hand, and demand to know why you were calling him a cross dresser. The only "fragrance" men wore back then was cigar smoke, sweat, and blood.

And occasionally dead animal...

Now I've come to accept that it is socially unacceptable for men to smell like they just rolled in mud and goat feces. The least amount of scent that is considered acceptable in this day and age is, well, no scent at all. Like I said, I'm fine with that. What I'm not fine with is this shit:

http://www.perfume.com/men

Yes, that is a website that is dedicated to perfume that has a mens section. Not only is that blasphemous enough, look at the various scents they have for men. Brit? Obsession? Grey Flannel? What the hell does that even mean? I must of missed the memo that read in order to pick up women you had to smell like an adjective.

Grammar...A new fragrance by Ralph Lauren

Now there will be people that say there is a difference between a fragrance and a perfume. Why don't we do a simple word analysis then. The definition of perfume is as follows: "Scent, often manufactured and packaged for personal use." If you look up synonyms for perfume, you know what words come up? Cologne, essence, and fragrance. Crazy! It's like theres no actual difference between perfume and cologne/fragrance/whatever you want to call it. Thats probably because, newsflash, THERE ISN'T! So if you want to be more manly by wearing a perfume, be my guest, just remember, a rose by any other name still smells like you sprayed yourself with a flowery perfume.

Re-Inspiration

Please view these photos in order to actually be inspired for the week:

"It's good for the both of us!"

Cuff Links even I could get into

Now you're welcome.

Say What?

(In response to Topics of Conversation)

"Quite frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!" -Gone with the Wind

To loosely quote something I heard someone say many years ago, "Touching leads to kissing, which leads to sex, which ultimately leads to talking." Educators and advocates of safe sex often try to scare kid and teens that if they have sex, they could get pregnant. A more effective method would be to point out that once they are done performing the act of sex, they actually do have to communicate with their "significant other," and really, who actually wants to do that?

"Now kids, if you have sex, afterwards she may make you cuddle, and then you'll get Crabs"

There was a time, a better time you might say, when conversation was strictly between similar genders. Men would get together, talk about sports, politics, and other manly things, while women would get together and talk about tea and how they wished they had the right to vote. The few times men and women ever talked with each other, the conversation was strictly surface level and concise. Everyone knew their place, and the world was a better place for it.

"In order to achieve world peace, I think the bedroom should always be connected to the Kitchen"

Then women gained the right to vote, and everything went to shit. All of a sudden those topics of conversation lines between men and women started to blur until, eventually, they no longer existed. All of a sudden we were all thought of as equals! This created a huge problem as to what men and women could talk about. Women wanted to talk freely with their new counterparts while men just wanted to drink beer.

Now, this is usually the part where I tell you all what happened next to right this wrong. Sadly, nothing has happened to change this current predicament we are in. Men are still being forced to have meaningful conversations with women. So I propose that men everywhere stand up to this travesty! No, I mean literally stand up. When a woman starts to have an intellectual conversation with you, just stand up and walk away. Did our founding fathers stand there and take those unfair taxes? No! Did Americans put up with Hitler taking over Europe? Hell No! So the next time a woman starts to talk to you, do the American thing...man up and stand up!

Zebra's and Car Crashes

(In response to Patterns)

If there is one animal on this planet that I hate, it's horses. Don't ask me why. I had a bad experience when I was younger, ok! Nevertheless, horses are the bane of my existence. There is, however, one species of horses that I have pardoned because they are awesome, and that species of horse is the Zebra!

That lion should of brought his lollerskates

There are two reasons why zebra's are awesome. For starters, they are the ultimate breeding animals. How you ask? Because you breed a zebra with anything and it instantly makes the resulting creature have a kick-ass name! A zebra and a horse? A zorse! A zebra and a donkey? a zeedonk! A zebra and a platypus? A spite against God!

Behold! The Zebrapus!!

The other fantastic aspect of a zebra is it's stripes. Everyone knows zebra stripes. They make the animal instantly recognizable. What makes their stripes awesome though is their purpose. According to some random website I found on Google that I'm going to accept as fact, a zebra's stripes serve as a way to confuse their predators. When a herd of zebras is together, it makes it almost impossible for a predator to distinguish one zebra from another. It disorients them.

Stripes, or patterns if you will, are a powerful thing. If you wear a pattern thats disorienting to someone, it immediately gives you the upper hand! Imagine walking into a business meeting wearing this:

Dress for success my friends

Are the people in the meeting going to be thinking about their talking points? Their own goals? Their negotiation strategy? Of course not, they are going to be thinking about the crazy ass pattern on your shirt! You immediately have the upper hand.

The same tactic can be used in picking up girls. If you walk up to a girl dressed in modern, casual clothing she will immediately stereotype you as just another "Well Dressed" guy who may or may not have money and is looking to score. Not exactly great odds. If, however, you walk up to a girl wearing an outfit that looks like Mr. Pollock made it himself, she won't know what to think. She'll be so disoriented by your outfit that she'll have no chance to size you up! And lets face it, the lower her expectations of you to begin with, the better.

"Do you have this pattern in a dinner jacket?"

Now there will be people out there that will say, "But clashing and crazy patterns are ugly and destroying mankind!!" You know what I have to say to that? OF COURSE THEY ARE UGLY! That's the whole point! You know what else is ugly? Car crashes. Mangled metal, leaking fuel, fire, ambulances...none of that is attractive. Yet what do people do when they see car crashes? They stare at them. They can't look away. And in the end, isn't the point of fashion to draw attention to yourself? No one remembers the guy who showed up to the party wearing nice slacks and a button up shirt, but everyone remembers the guy who showed up in a zebra stripe top and leopard print pants.

Shock and awe my friends! Shock and awe.

Technology

(In response to Texting)

There isn't much that separates humans from animals. We all eat, sleep, need water, chase females, and die. It's the circle of life. The reason though why we humans are destroying the world with such efficiency is twofold. For starters, we have thumbs. Thumbs are great! Thumbs allow us to pick up teacups and stick a pinky out while drinking from them.

Look at me, I'm a prick!

The other thing we got going for us that animals don't? Technology. Thats what really separates us from those toy poodles that mindlessly hump your leg. Technology has allowed us to build cities, find cures to diseases, and make Cher look like an alien!

We still don't know if she comes in peace...

Despite all the great things technology has done for the human race, there are still those people who lash out against it. There are those people that say pollution caused by the human race is going to kill polar bears and melt big chunks of ice, because you know ice doesn't naturally melt when it gets warm and all. These are the same people that say computers and phones and Facebook have not brought us together, but farther apart. You know what I call those people? Hippies.

I hope when the Chinese invade they kill the hippies first

Technology has made the world small! Technology has made everyones lives better and more interconnected! You want to see pictures of your cousins newborn baby, but they live across the country? They can just email you pictures! You want to keep in touch with your significant other on the go? Cellphones! You want to see a gigantic panda fart? Youtube!

The only way to make technology better and to make people more connected is to have more technology. You have a computer? Not good enough, you also need a laptop, a tablet, and a smartphone. You only have one TV? Not good enough. You need atleast three and 4000 HD channels to go on it. You only have one bluetooth headset in your ear at all times? Weak shit son, you need two!

There is too much win for words in this picture

You aren't truly connected unless you have a Flickr account open on your computer, are texting with atleast three people on your phone, watching Netflix on your TV, and have at least a Facebook and Twitter account open (and if you are a pedophile, a Myspace account) all at the same time! You know what enhances talking to someone in person? Talking to them through Skype, IN THE SAME ROOM! You know why it enhances it? Because technology is awesome! Don't be an animal, be human, and use as much technology as possible!

The Evolution of Man

(In response to Chivalry)

For millions of years, man has evolved. There are branches of science dedicated to it. There are thousands of books and papers written about it. Mankind as we know it is drastically different even from our ancestors a few hundred years back. Through all of the changes that mankind has gone through, one thing has remained the same...men will chase after women.

Don't Stop Believing!

Now while man throughout the ages has chased after their female counterparts, the method in which they chased after them has evolved along with mankind. Let's take a quick look through the past at mens preferred methods of chasing tail.

First we had the original man, Adam, in the Garden of Eden. Even while he was living in paradise you know what lengths he went to to get a woman? He removed his own rib! I've seen men stoop to low levels to get a girl (like watching Sleepless in Seattle...), but removing a body part? Cracka please.

Then after a few hundred years passed, mankind evolved some more into cavemen. What cavemen realized in their evolved state was that giving up anything to get a woman was worthless. Their preferred method? Clubbing their desired mate over the head and dragging her into the cave. Talk about foreplay!

Wooden Clubs, the worlds first pimp canes

Next up? The middle ages. Men at this point in history were still running with the "take what you can catch" method. Whatever woman happened to be in their path as they pillaged a town ended up on the back of a horse and right into the stable. Oh the good old days.

Eventually the middle ages turned into the renaissance, and this is where we start to see a drastic change in how men were getting women. It was no longer take by brute force, it was paint the girl nude, then sing to her, then swoon her into your loft where you made passionate love instead of goat noises. It was an odd time where artists and painters were ladies men. I know, the thought scares me too.

You can stop believing...

After this brief period of people appreciating the arts, mankind fell back onto some other practices that came in and out of the various historical periods. There were tons of methods to chase tail. For guys who had no game? Whore houses. For guys who were playing a different game? Incest. For those who were too lazy and lived before the days of buying a Russian bride over the internet? Arranged marriages.

Then along came the modern age. The here and now. In our currently evolved state, men have two options in their pursuit of women, they can either be an asshole...

Hey, atleast he'll compliment your rack

Or they can be a metro-sexual!

"So let me get this straight honey...you want everyone to have to guess what my sexuality is?

At some point in history, girls realized they could make guys work for their affection, and they exploited it like the Egyptians exploited slaves. After years of making guys lift every object for them, open every door, work all day to bring the money into the house, and generally be their "strong man," women got bored of this. Enter the feminist. All of a sudden the female population wanted to vote, wanted to have careers, wanted to be independent. They no longer wanted the stereotypical macho-man. Instead they wanted some creature who knew fashion, could wear jeans that would look thin on a Kenyan marathon runner, actually cared about their day, and would listen to all their problems and not need three beers to get through it. Women wanted someone sensitive.

"After I'm done telling you all my problems, I'm going to go sleep with that dude in the Hawaiian shirt"

It is at this point in history that Chivalry died. When women decided they wanted someone more sensitive, men evolved to become that man. Men would wage war for a woman in the past...becoming dangerously close to gay for a woman is hardly as extreme in comparison. So the next time a woman complains about there being no true gentlemen left in this world, look her straight in the eye and tell her, "You did this."

Then proceed to act like a tool and demean her, as that will probably get her to sleep with you.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

(In response to Traveling)

When you think of an airport, whats the first thing you think of? Do you think of nice steakhouses? How about swanky clubs? Ballroom dancing? No, no, and hell no. The first thing you think of is this:

TSA...Protecting us from Nuns since 1967

Oh airport security, how we all hate you. In this day and age you basically have to strip down naked and perform DUI tests before you allowed to proceed to the cavity search, and then eventually to your plane. Of course the fun isn't over once you do get through that TSA checkpoint. I imagine the second thing that comes to mind when you think of airports and flying is the fear that you'll be stuck in-between these guys:

USA! USA! USA!

Just imagine sitting in the middle seat between your choice of two of the three guys in the picture above on a 5 hour plane ride that may or may not get delayed on the runway for 3 hours. I just love flying! Atleast they only charge you 3 dollars for that pack of peanuts! Now you are probably saying to yourself, how could travelling get any worse? Well I'll tell you how, if you dress like this:

Hipsters...They are to straight men what holy water is to vampires

Why on earth would you want to be wearing ties and tight pants and full on suits while being stuck between Thing 1 and Thing 2 on a crowded plane for 6 hours? Where's the sense in that? Are you planning on picking up the ladies at the overpriced airport Applebee's during your layover? Are you trying to get into the mile high club with that 57 year old airline hostess? The only way to travel in "Style" is to drop a couple hundred grand on a private jet. You might as well wear comfortable clothes when you travel since that might be the only comfortable part of your trip.