(In response to Gym Etiquette)
I hate the gym. To me the gym is kind of like a colonoscopy...it's awkward, slightly painful, and the entire time you're wondering why you are even going through with this while some sweaty dude stands next to you cheering you on.
"I'm taking night classes to become a proctologist"
Given my hatred of gyms, I predictably don't go to them. I have embraced my white Kenyan body form. Sure I may have trouble lifting a gallon of milk, but once I get it to the kitchen it's the woman's problem, not mine. I never understood why people went to the gym. Finding it unacceptable that I didn't understand something, I sat down and tried to figure out the motivation people had for going to the gym. After many Mikes Hard Lemonades and texting conversations, I came up with two reasons why people go to the gym...compensation and tail.
You know what they say about guys with big feet...that they have more surface area to press down on the gas pedal of a phallic shaped car!
It's easy to pick out someone who is compensating for something. If some guy comes rolling up in an overpriced Corvette wearing aviators, two popped collars, and Essence of Douche by Giorgio Armani reeking from his clothes, then he is probably trying to compensate for the fact that he suffers from limp dick. He isn't fooling anyone. He probably isn't even fooling himself, but Lord bless him for trying!
Of course this method of trying to compensate is expensive. This is where the gym comes in. Let me paint a hypothetical situation for you. Mr. McDaisy is having a rough day. He got fired from his job at Toys R Us because an 8 year old beat him with a plastic bat, then proceeded to steal an Xbox. He then came home to his girlfriend cheating on him in his bed with his brother, who then made Mr. McDaisy take pictures of it. Finally, to top it off, as Mr. McDaisy seeked solitude at his favorite poetry cafe, the barista gave him the wrong flavor of chai tea.
To be fair, the 8 year old was kind of a BAMF
At this point, Mr. McDaisy starts to re-evaluate his life a bit. He no longer feels like a man. He thinks about going to a psychologist to work out his crippling daddy issues. He thinks about going to a support group. Then Mr. McDaisy has an epiphany of sorts. Why work through all the serious mental and emotional problems he has, which takes alot of time and energy, when he can just start going to the gym and get jacked. Afterall, no one questions the man whose neck is hidden by steroid fueled muscles.
This is reason number one why people go to the gym. They aren't feeling manly enough anymore, so they go work out and work up a sweat and slap other guys asses. It's like an instant shot of manly self esteem. Sure some may go off the deep end a bit, start roid raging, and go home so angry that they eat a dinner plate, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made in order to compensate for your insecurities.
"I like to wash down my HGH with human blood!"
The second reason most people go to the gym is the motivation behind 80% of mans actions, to woo a female (motivation for the other 20% is promise of pizza afterwards). Now if I had trouble understanding why guys go to the gym, I really had trouble understanding why girls went to the gym. I mean how strong do you have to be to use a stove? I suppose I shouldn't complain if girls want to stay in shape and look good, but it still baffles me a bit.
I'm sure that two and a half pound weight is going to help you lift a frying pan later
Regardless, where there are women, there are men trying to pick up those women. The gym isn't all that bad of a place to try and pick up girls in all honesty. I mean you are already sweaty and smell of other men's asses, and after that two hour long bicep workout your guns are looking pretty good. You look like the pinnacle of a man. The only thing better would be if you had a dead deer carcass thrown over your shoulder. Conveniently, girls tend to all be in one spot in a gym, on the treadmills and ellipticals, so it's basically like a show room floor! All you got to do is walk down the aisle and examine the goods.
It's like being a kid in a candy store...where the candy can reject you
Girls will say that they hate it when guys walk by all slowly and give them the look while they are running. They will look down at their magazine or up at the TV, but really, they are just playing hard to get. No always means try harder. If you have to bring your friend along just so as you walk by you can casually say that you maxed 75 pounds on a bench press, so be it. In this day and age, the gym is the closest we come to the purest interaction between men and women...girls running and big manly men trying to catch them. While I don't entirely support the gym, I do support this behavior of picking up women. So men, work on those biceps, wear those sleeveless shirts, add some axe body spray, and get on the prowl!
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