Look Who's Back!

Guess who's back? No not these people, me! Yes your lovable Sometimes at Night writer is back to dispel the lies perpetuated by Class All Day, and to proclaim the truth and facts the world needs to know! But you may be asking, "Where have you been for the past 6 months?" Well I think a better question is where haven't I been. The past 6 months I've been travelling around the world telling people what's really up. You may have heard of some of my escapades. Just to point out some of my more notable accomplishments:

• The riots in Egypt (Caused by me informing the Egyptian people they didn't have to wear pants in the summer)
• Occupy Wall Street (Caused by this article. Good to see America is reading my blog!)
• The Liberation of Libya (Who knew the Libyan's loved Technology as much as me?)
• Anthony D. Weiner Resigns (Maybe he should of evolved a bit more...)
• The death of Kim Jong-il (I didn't actually do anything to cause this, it's just notable)

With having accomplished so much around the globe, I thought it was about time for me to come back home and keep fighting the good fight. I picked a good time to come back too, since Class All Day has not one, but two posts I have yet to rebuke. So let's waste no more time, and as part of my comeback special, I give you two responses for the price of one!

Skinny Dipping

(In response to Swim Trunks)

Look, I'm not going to lie to you, I haven't been to a pool in ages. This isn't by choice. Apparently the law frowns upon people sunbathing nude at the public pool while allowing people the size of whales to wear bikini's. I'm sorry if I don't believe in tan lines, but just because you can't handle my pasty white body doesn't mean you can kick me out of a public pool and put me on a sexual predators list. I evade paying the taxes that pay for that swimming pool damnit!

Beached whale or American tourist? Do you really want to guess?

Since the law dictates we have to be somewhat clothed at a swimming pool, I suppose I should address this. As you all know I preach equality here between the sexes (I couldn't even type that with a straight face). Society basically demands for better or for worse that women must wear as little as possible to the pool. You know what that means guys? It's time to break out that speedo! No not that fitted swim trunk crap, I'm talking this:

Excuse me while I go vomit...

Look it's the only fair thing to do. If girls get to shake what their mother gave them, then guys surely get to jiggle what a majority of them can't see anymore due to their massive beer bellies. Now I know some of you might feel uncomfortable with this, and that's to be expected. But there are two ways to combat this feeling. First don't be afraid to stuff. That's all I'm going to say about that. Secondly, just wear obnoxious patterns that will cause people to not want to look at you! I mean it's a bathing suit, you wear it under the water, who really cares?

This picture is entirely unrelated, I just had to post something to get the previous image out of my head

So you guys know what to do. Obnoxious patterns and pasty white bodies. Its what makes America great!

Represent!

(In response to 3rd Party Jerseys)

Oh sports. The only thing better than watching a football game is watching two women fight over who gets to make you a sandwich. Us American's are a sports driven culture. Our athletes are celebrities who make millions of dollars. We have a TV network dedicated to sports. We even create sports to play while we are drinking in preparation to go watch a sporting event!

Leave it to some frat boys to figure out a sport that revolves around beer...

The great thing about sports though is that they bring out such individual pride. You root for your team, for your city, and your country. You wear those jersey's with pride, with honor, and with drunken abandonment! The problem in this day and age is we are a mobile group of people. How many people still live in the same place they grew up in? Of course you aren't going to abandon the team you grew up cheering for, and you definitely aren't going to give up going to sporting events. So what is one to do? Well you have a few options:

1) Betray your roots and wear the jersey of another team.

Strangest looking Cowboys fan I've ever seen...

This is the only option that is unacceptable. Wearing the jersey of another team, let alone a rival, is the same as punching your mother in the face. You don't do it under any circumstance! There's no justification for it. I'd rather you take a bath in perfume before I'd condone wearing the sports jersey of another team that isn't yours!

2) Wear a generic Jersey that everyone can appreciate.

Go my favorite sports team!

While this isn't my preferred solution to the problem, it is an acceptable one. When all else fails, just pull out the national pride card! I mean who currently in America besides hippies and illegal immigrants doesn't love the United States? This is the win win option. You are still supporting one of your teams, in this case America (except for the American soccer team, because they suck), and you aren't pissing off anyone. Everyone is happy! Of course if you want to be a true American and be a total dick, you can always...

3) Make no compromises and wear your team's jersey everywhere!

I...uh...well...about that....

Look just because you move to a different city doesn't mean you need to all of a sudden respect everything about that cities culture. You didn't stop watching your favorite sports team when you moved did you? So why would you stop wearing their jersey? Just because some friend of yours is dumb enough to invite you to a sporting event that doesn't involve your team doesn't mean you have to "respect" that team and the other team playing and not wear your jersey. It's important to let everyone know at all times who you cheer for.

So the next time you wear a Bruins jersey to a Packers-Ravens football game and someone yells at you for wearing a 3rd party jersey, just look them right in the eyes and yell, "1st amendment bitches!"