Bling Bling

(In response to Accessories)

I'm afraid we need to discuss something here before we get to the main part of this article. As you all know, the purpose of my blog is respond to those people over at Class All Day and correct their lies. Well in their latest post about Accessories, I noticed something that just, well, it was a bit low even for them. Some might even say it was un-classy. What am I talking about you ask? Well I'm talking about plagiarism.

Take a look at this screen shot I took from their blog.

Does anything about that screen shot look familiar to you? Maybe you should brush up on some of my previous articles, specifically my article on Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. For those of you too lazy too look through that, let me post the screen shot of importance from that article.

Does anything look...familiar about that screenshot? It's almost like there's some similarity between Class All Day's most recent blog post, and a post that I wrote back on May 4th. Oh wait, now I see it, THEY STOLE MY IMAGE THAT I STOLE FROM GOOGLE!! I mean they weren't even subtle about it. I'm surprised they didn't rip off my caption as well.

Now I realize that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. By Class All Day just taking things from my articles and posting it in there's, they have essentially announced to the internet that they are wrong. They are admitting that my posts are not only full of better ideas (thus why they are stealing them), but that I'm inherently correct in everything I write, which by default makes everything they write a lie. To most people, this realization would be enough to quell their anger. Me? Well, I'm petty. So in the spirit of Class All Day both plagiarizing and admitting that I am right, I'm going to go ahead and rewrite their Accessories article right here in this article. Seems fair doesn't it? So, on to the article.

Bling Bling

The definition of accessory is, "Something nonessential but desirable that contributes to an effect or result." What is the key part of that definition? The word nonessential. That's right, by definition, accessories to an outfit are not essential. They only exist to add to the ambiance of your little outfit. Well if there's been one consistent theme I've taught you my fellow readers, it's that more is always better. So when it comes to figuring out what accessories you want to wear, just ask yourself, whats the clothing equivalent of wearing a lit sparkler around your neck? (Answer: Wearing a lit sparkler around your neck). The bigger the effect, the better. So while I'll only go into detail about some possible accessories for you to bling yourself out with, don't think these are your only options. Use your imagination! If you want a grill, by all means get yourself a grill! If you want to wear peacock feathers on your head, who am I to stop you? The only limit to your accessories is what the law dictates.

Watches

What is the purpose of a watch? Now you must be thinking this is some type of trick question, because its such a simple question. But trust me, I'm not trying to trick you my dear readers. The purpose of a watch is to tell time. That's it. In fact in this day and age, clocks come on everything. There is a clock on your phone, in your car, on your mp3 player, and even on condoms (presumably so you know when it's business time). So with keeping track of time so easy nowadays, why on earth would you ever pay more than $15 for a watch? It's the same principle I wrote about in my last post about purses. It's a bag of fabric, why pay a grand for it? The only difference between a $15 dollar watch and a $2000 dollar rolex is the price tag. They both keep time, and that's the point of a watch, so why waste your time and money picking out a "nice" watch?

Now that we've determined that watches are for telling time and it doesn't really matter what watch you use, we have to come to terms with something. In terms of making a statement...watches are kind of bland. Everyone has them. Even if your watch is more expensive than someone else's, it still looks like a watch, unless of course you steal Flava Flav's watch and put it on a hippo. Now that would catch some peoples attention.

You think he got that watch from Walmart?

So how do you make a statement with a watch? It goes back to the same principle I keep preaching, wear more watches! Now I'm not talking about a couple of watches. I'm talking about 15 on each arm! I realize you already have 4 or 5 on your belt by way of phones in holsters, but if you are wearing a sleeve of watches plus a grandfather clock around your neck, its pretty safe to assume that everyone and their blind grandmother will notice you. Also, don't be afraid to wear digital watches. The point of a watch is to tell the time, and you don't want to be late to your white supremacy meeting because it took you ten minutes to read your watch.

I hired someone with all the money I saved by buying a cheap watch to take notes for me

Bags

Editors Note: In trying to rewrite this paragraph, I had some trouble understanding what the hell the author was trying to say. We should be dressed the same way our girlfriends are dressed, but we shouldn't dress in such a way that makes people question whether we are male or female? What? So men shouldn't carry a big bag, and should wear a pretty polka dot dress. And Class All Day expects us to take them seriously? I mean they are telling us we should be cross dressers! Here's my rewrite to this whole paragraph that was supposed to be about bag accessories: Women shouldn't pay more than $20 dollars on a bag/purse. Men shouldn't ever carry a bag or "man purse" unless they want people taking bets on if they are gay. There, done, lets move on.

Something tells me Class All Day won't be stealing this image...

Belts/Shoes

I have a love/hate relationship with belts. I love that they keep my pants up so people don't see my whitey tighties. I love that I can take it off and use it to teach my woman that you never use Swiss cheese on a grilled cheese sandwich (American or GTFO). I hate that wannabe cowboys wear these belts with these huge belt buckles that scream, "I'm compensating for whats right below this huge belt buckle." However, as much as I hate those huge belt buckles, in terms of accessorizing, they are a necessary evil. A belt is a belt. However if you can attach a giant belt buckle to it that is a blinged out dollar sign that spins, well now you are a making a statement. I know I know, I just said that big belt buckles are just people trying to compensate, but isn't accessorizing really just a way of compensating anyway? As long as you are committing the crime, might as well embrace it.

Oh and in terms of matching your belt to your shoes, or whatever nonsense that is, who cares? You know what the one thing is no one ever notices about your outfit? Your shoes. Why? Because who ever looks at someones feet? The purpose of shoes is to protect your feet. That's it. People notice if you are barefoot, and that's about it. So go ahead and find a comfortable $5 dollar pair of shoes at K-Mart. Save that money and spend it on something awesome, like lava lamp pants. Now THAT is accessorizing!

Also acceptable, these shoes.

Common Sense

(In response to Shorts.)

Winter coats and shoes are sooo 2008

The year was 1775. The most powerful empire in the world was the British Empire. They had the biggest military, navy, and their influence over the world was undeniable. To try and take on the British was suicide...and that's exactly what America did in 1775. Now everyone knows the end result of the American Revolution, but how exactly did we Americans win? Simple, we used common sense. Standard war practices back in the 1700's were, well, pretty stupid. Both sides would line up in an open field, aim at each other, and then fire. The British made it even easier for the other side to spot them by wearing bright red. This was war, and in the 1700's the British were exceedingly good at shooting from straight lines.

And at terrifying the enemy with their teeth

Well when we crafty Americans started this war with the English and saw the way they were doing things, George Washington looked at the giant line of red painted targets and said, "Screw that noise, we gonna shoot from behind rocks and shit." And that's what we did. While the British in their brightly colored uniforms lined up neatly in the open, the Americans in their darker outfits hid behind trees and rocks and fired upon them. Is it any wonder that we won? All it took to overthrow the most powerful empire in the world was for one person to realize that shooting from behind something was more effective than shooting from the middle of an open field. Common sense. It's what separates us from the youtube sensations.

"What do you mean humans can't fly?"

The ability to rationalize is what separated the human race from the animals as well. Cavemen realized that when the weather got cold, they should put on more clothing because it kept them warmer. When winter became spring, and the weather became warmer, cavemen then learned, predictably, that they should take off some of their clothing because it was hot. Common sense. By adapting to the weather conditions, the human race was able to stay healthy and comfortable year round while continuing to live and work.

Once we reached the modern era, something terrible happened to common sense. It died. Specifically, people invented this absurd notion of fashion. Nothing about fashion makes sense. In fact it spits in the face of common sense. Let's go down the list of things in fashion that go against conventional wisdom.

First, the corset. Yea it was great at giving a woman some serious curves, but at the cost of being able to breath. You know, no biggie.

It was so much easier to pick up women back in the day. All you did was wait for them to pass out...then you picked them up and carried them away

Oh and what about the monocle? That made a shit ton of sense didn't it? Hey, let me continually squint so I can keep this round piece of glass over one of my eyes that doesn't actually serve any purpose except for some reason it will make me look classy! Brilliant! Oh and those wigs men used to wear back when we were fighting the British in order to show status. Man I wish we could bring those back. Nothing like non-bald men wearing wigs. Pinnacle of common sense.

Can't. Look. Away...

The other thing fashion does is take something that is seemingly a good idea, and make it nonsensical. For example, take a woman's purse. The idea of a purse is pretty good I must admit. It's essentially a stylish backpack. Then someone went and made them cost $1000 dollars. Wait...people pay a grand for a bag made out of fabric? I mean I realize women have to keep their travel spatulas somewhere, but $1000 for a bag?! Also this:

"I see shoe, I see head, I see shoe on head!"

Even fashion spits in the face of fashion. If the point of fashion is to look good at the expense of comfort...then why the hell do Ugg boots exist? Explain this to me? They are ugly as sin! Of course someone will tell me, "But they are super warm and comfortable." You know what else is comfortable...wearing shorts when its hot. But that's against fashion trends and Ugg boots aren't...is anyone else failing to see the logic in this?

Brain...melting...from...the herpes I just got from looking at that girl...

That leads us conveniently to the point of this article. Apparently it is undignified for a man to wear shorts. Like...ever. If you want to look classy and be an upstanding gentlemen, you have to wear pants year round. Why you may be asking? I don't know. If fashion dictated that you had to wear shorts in the winter, would anyone follow that trend? Of course not, because that's retarded. This whole pants thing is just more proof of fashion turning on fashion. Society wants us to go to the gym and be fit, yet they want us to hide those sculpted legs under pants? Society wants us to smell good and wear fragrances, yet they want us to wear pants in 90 degree heat that cause so much swass that no amount of perfume can hide it? It's ok, my brain hurts too.

The main goal of the human race is to live comfortably. You can't tell me otherwise. Men wanted to be comfortable where they were living, so they built shelter. Men wanted to be able to eat on a regular basis, so they created agriculture. Men wanted to be warm in the winter and cool in the summer, so they dressed appropriately. Common sense. It's how mankind defeated nature and how America defeated England. Don't let it go to waste.

Hook it to my Veins!

(In response to Gym Etiquette)

I hate the gym. To me the gym is kind of like a colonoscopy...it's awkward, slightly painful, and the entire time you're wondering why you are even going through with this while some sweaty dude stands next to you cheering you on.

"I'm taking night classes to become a proctologist"

Given my hatred of gyms, I predictably don't go to them. I have embraced my white Kenyan body form. Sure I may have trouble lifting a gallon of milk, but once I get it to the kitchen it's the woman's problem, not mine. I never understood why people went to the gym. Finding it unacceptable that I didn't understand something, I sat down and tried to figure out the motivation people had for going to the gym. After many Mikes Hard Lemonades and texting conversations, I came up with two reasons why people go to the gym...compensation and tail.

You know what they say about guys with big feet...that they have more surface area to press down on the gas pedal of a phallic shaped car!

It's easy to pick out someone who is compensating for something. If some guy comes rolling up in an overpriced Corvette wearing aviators, two popped collars, and Essence of Douche by Giorgio Armani reeking from his clothes, then he is probably trying to compensate for the fact that he suffers from limp dick. He isn't fooling anyone. He probably isn't even fooling himself, but Lord bless him for trying!

Of course this method of trying to compensate is expensive. This is where the gym comes in. Let me paint a hypothetical situation for you. Mr. McDaisy is having a rough day. He got fired from his job at Toys R Us because an 8 year old beat him with a plastic bat, then proceeded to steal an Xbox. He then came home to his girlfriend cheating on him in his bed with his brother, who then made Mr. McDaisy take pictures of it. Finally, to top it off, as Mr. McDaisy seeked solitude at his favorite poetry cafe, the barista gave him the wrong flavor of chai tea.

To be fair, the 8 year old was kind of a BAMF

At this point, Mr. McDaisy starts to re-evaluate his life a bit. He no longer feels like a man. He thinks about going to a psychologist to work out his crippling daddy issues. He thinks about going to a support group. Then Mr. McDaisy has an epiphany of sorts. Why work through all the serious mental and emotional problems he has, which takes alot of time and energy, when he can just start going to the gym and get jacked. Afterall, no one questions the man whose neck is hidden by steroid fueled muscles.

This is reason number one why people go to the gym. They aren't feeling manly enough anymore, so they go work out and work up a sweat and slap other guys asses. It's like an instant shot of manly self esteem. Sure some may go off the deep end a bit, start roid raging, and go home so angry that they eat a dinner plate, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made in order to compensate for your insecurities.

"I like to wash down my HGH with human blood!"

The second reason most people go to the gym is the motivation behind 80% of mans actions, to woo a female (motivation for the other 20% is promise of pizza afterwards). Now if I had trouble understanding why guys go to the gym, I really had trouble understanding why girls went to the gym. I mean how strong do you have to be to use a stove? I suppose I shouldn't complain if girls want to stay in shape and look good, but it still baffles me a bit.

I'm sure that two and a half pound weight is going to help you lift a frying pan later

Regardless, where there are women, there are men trying to pick up those women. The gym isn't all that bad of a place to try and pick up girls in all honesty. I mean you are already sweaty and smell of other men's asses, and after that two hour long bicep workout your guns are looking pretty good. You look like the pinnacle of a man. The only thing better would be if you had a dead deer carcass thrown over your shoulder. Conveniently, girls tend to all be in one spot in a gym, on the treadmills and ellipticals, so it's basically like a show room floor! All you got to do is walk down the aisle and examine the goods.

It's like being a kid in a candy store...where the candy can reject you

Girls will say that they hate it when guys walk by all slowly and give them the look while they are running. They will look down at their magazine or up at the TV, but really, they are just playing hard to get. No always means try harder. If you have to bring your friend along just so as you walk by you can casually say that you maxed 75 pounds on a bench press, so be it. In this day and age, the gym is the closest we come to the purest interaction between men and women...girls running and big manly men trying to catch them. While I don't entirely support the gym, I do support this behavior of picking up women. So men, work on those biceps, wear those sleeveless shirts, add some axe body spray, and get on the prowl!

How to Succeed in Business

(In response to Phone Holsters)

There are a couple of common misconceptions about how a person can make it in the business world. The first big one is that people assume in order to be successful, you need to have the drive, motivation, and business degree from Harvard. People think you have to be the smartest person in the room, the most savvy, and be rocking a $2000.00 dollar custom Italian suit. The other big misconception people have is that the only way to make it to the top is to know people. Sure it always helps if your dad is the CEO, but it isn't as necessary as you might think.

Using family to get ahead is so much easier than sleeping with that sweaty HR guy

In reality, all of this is crap! You don't need to know someone, you don't need to be all that motivated, and you don't even have to have a fancy education. Hell you don't even need to know what to do! Now someone is undoubtedly asking, "Well then Mr. JM, what do we need to do in order to succeed in this world?" Well the answer is quite simple...fake it!

Most of my former girlfriends would be good at business

Succeeding in life isn't about knowing anything, its about pretending like you know everything! It's about appearances. It's about walking into a room with millionaires with exactly $20 dollars to your name and acting like you could buy out every one of them. If someone comes up to you and starts asking about how you would restructure the financial hierarchy of the subordinate infrastructure of a multinational corporation, you do what I just did and string together a bunch of large and fancy words into one sentence that sounds like it could mean something . If they ask you about your education, you don't tell them you got a liberal arts degree from JMU, you tell them about how the real world enhanced those business courses you took. I'm not telling you to lie, I'm telling you to spin the truth. If you speak with confidence, people will listen no matter what you are saying. Just ask Hitler.

"I have no business education, no formal training, and live in a cardboard box!"

It isn't enough to sound like you know what you are doing, you also have to look like you know what you are doing. How do you do that? It's simple. For starters go out and buy one of those knock off Rolex's, because no one is ever going to notice. Then go out and find a $30 suit that looks decent, sew on a designer label, and wear it with pride. Everyone will think the suit is about 10 times more expensive than it really is!

This is a good start, but it isn't quite enough. Now that you look expensive, you also have to look busy as to prevent people from coming up and talking to you. This is where my previous post on Technology comes into play. If you have a headset on at all times, with a phone in hand, an iPad and a laptop in a man purse, and two phones holstered around your belt, everyone knows you are ready for business. No one is going to come up and talk to you and interrupt you because they don't know if you are on the phone with a million dollar client or not. Sure that phone in one of your holsters might just be a cardboard box you painted black, but who is going to notice?

OK, even I admit this might be pushing the limits a bit...

Appearances my friends. Thats the name of the game. It isn't about what you know, who you know, or even if you have a job at the place you are currently pretending to work at. All that matters is that job title and never giving a straight answer to anything. Business 101.

What's that smell?

(In response to Fragrances)

There aren't many things I hate in this world. I've already told you about one such thing that is on my hate list, the horse. Well today I'd like to tell you about another thing on my hate list, commercials. Commercials are to TV what herpes are to humans, an annoyance that seems to pop up at the most inopportune times. The best invention of the past decade was the DVR which gives us the ability to fast forward through those commercials that talk about the new miracle pill that has no vowels in the name and has a list of side-effects that make you seriously question why you are taking the drug in the first place.

Cure baldness with txpz! Side effects include vomiting, loss of teeth, growth of extra appendages, loss of appendages, loss of hair, blindness

Yet, despite my hatred for both horses and advertisements, one man was able to not only bring both together in an advertisement that I didn't absolutely hate, but he was able to bring them together in something I actually enjoyed! Who is this man you ask? That man is Isaiah Mustafa!

I'd let him ride me like a horse...

The fact that this delicious specimen of man brought two things together that I hate and made them enjoyable immediately made me pay attention to what he was saying. His message was simple, men shouldn't smell like ladies, they should smell like men! It's such common sense, yet here we are having to talk about it. Back in the day if you asked a man what fragrance he put on, he would look at you, slap you with the back of his hand, and demand to know why you were calling him a cross dresser. The only "fragrance" men wore back then was cigar smoke, sweat, and blood.

And occasionally dead animal...

Now I've come to accept that it is socially unacceptable for men to smell like they just rolled in mud and goat feces. The least amount of scent that is considered acceptable in this day and age is, well, no scent at all. Like I said, I'm fine with that. What I'm not fine with is this shit:

http://www.perfume.com/men

Yes, that is a website that is dedicated to perfume that has a mens section. Not only is that blasphemous enough, look at the various scents they have for men. Brit? Obsession? Grey Flannel? What the hell does that even mean? I must of missed the memo that read in order to pick up women you had to smell like an adjective.

Grammar...A new fragrance by Ralph Lauren

Now there will be people that say there is a difference between a fragrance and a perfume. Why don't we do a simple word analysis then. The definition of perfume is as follows: "Scent, often manufactured and packaged for personal use." If you look up synonyms for perfume, you know what words come up? Cologne, essence, and fragrance. Crazy! It's like theres no actual difference between perfume and cologne/fragrance/whatever you want to call it. Thats probably because, newsflash, THERE ISN'T! So if you want to be more manly by wearing a perfume, be my guest, just remember, a rose by any other name still smells like you sprayed yourself with a flowery perfume.

Re-Inspiration

Please view these photos in order to actually be inspired for the week:

"It's good for the both of us!"

Cuff Links even I could get into

Now you're welcome.

Say What?

(In response to Topics of Conversation)

"Quite frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!" -Gone with the Wind

To loosely quote something I heard someone say many years ago, "Touching leads to kissing, which leads to sex, which ultimately leads to talking." Educators and advocates of safe sex often try to scare kid and teens that if they have sex, they could get pregnant. A more effective method would be to point out that once they are done performing the act of sex, they actually do have to communicate with their "significant other," and really, who actually wants to do that?

"Now kids, if you have sex, afterwards she may make you cuddle, and then you'll get Crabs"

There was a time, a better time you might say, when conversation was strictly between similar genders. Men would get together, talk about sports, politics, and other manly things, while women would get together and talk about tea and how they wished they had the right to vote. The few times men and women ever talked with each other, the conversation was strictly surface level and concise. Everyone knew their place, and the world was a better place for it.

"In order to achieve world peace, I think the bedroom should always be connected to the Kitchen"

Then women gained the right to vote, and everything went to shit. All of a sudden those topics of conversation lines between men and women started to blur until, eventually, they no longer existed. All of a sudden we were all thought of as equals! This created a huge problem as to what men and women could talk about. Women wanted to talk freely with their new counterparts while men just wanted to drink beer.

Now, this is usually the part where I tell you all what happened next to right this wrong. Sadly, nothing has happened to change this current predicament we are in. Men are still being forced to have meaningful conversations with women. So I propose that men everywhere stand up to this travesty! No, I mean literally stand up. When a woman starts to have an intellectual conversation with you, just stand up and walk away. Did our founding fathers stand there and take those unfair taxes? No! Did Americans put up with Hitler taking over Europe? Hell No! So the next time a woman starts to talk to you, do the American thing...man up and stand up!

Zebra's and Car Crashes

(In response to Patterns)

If there is one animal on this planet that I hate, it's horses. Don't ask me why. I had a bad experience when I was younger, ok! Nevertheless, horses are the bane of my existence. There is, however, one species of horses that I have pardoned because they are awesome, and that species of horse is the Zebra!

That lion should of brought his lollerskates

There are two reasons why zebra's are awesome. For starters, they are the ultimate breeding animals. How you ask? Because you breed a zebra with anything and it instantly makes the resulting creature have a kick-ass name! A zebra and a horse? A zorse! A zebra and a donkey? a zeedonk! A zebra and a platypus? A spite against God!

Behold! The Zebrapus!!

The other fantastic aspect of a zebra is it's stripes. Everyone knows zebra stripes. They make the animal instantly recognizable. What makes their stripes awesome though is their purpose. According to some random website I found on Google that I'm going to accept as fact, a zebra's stripes serve as a way to confuse their predators. When a herd of zebras is together, it makes it almost impossible for a predator to distinguish one zebra from another. It disorients them.

Stripes, or patterns if you will, are a powerful thing. If you wear a pattern thats disorienting to someone, it immediately gives you the upper hand! Imagine walking into a business meeting wearing this:

Dress for success my friends

Are the people in the meeting going to be thinking about their talking points? Their own goals? Their negotiation strategy? Of course not, they are going to be thinking about the crazy ass pattern on your shirt! You immediately have the upper hand.

The same tactic can be used in picking up girls. If you walk up to a girl dressed in modern, casual clothing she will immediately stereotype you as just another "Well Dressed" guy who may or may not have money and is looking to score. Not exactly great odds. If, however, you walk up to a girl wearing an outfit that looks like Mr. Pollock made it himself, she won't know what to think. She'll be so disoriented by your outfit that she'll have no chance to size you up! And lets face it, the lower her expectations of you to begin with, the better.

"Do you have this pattern in a dinner jacket?"

Now there will be people out there that will say, "But clashing and crazy patterns are ugly and destroying mankind!!" You know what I have to say to that? OF COURSE THEY ARE UGLY! That's the whole point! You know what else is ugly? Car crashes. Mangled metal, leaking fuel, fire, ambulances...none of that is attractive. Yet what do people do when they see car crashes? They stare at them. They can't look away. And in the end, isn't the point of fashion to draw attention to yourself? No one remembers the guy who showed up to the party wearing nice slacks and a button up shirt, but everyone remembers the guy who showed up in a zebra stripe top and leopard print pants.

Shock and awe my friends! Shock and awe.

Technology

(In response to Texting)

There isn't much that separates humans from animals. We all eat, sleep, need water, chase females, and die. It's the circle of life. The reason though why we humans are destroying the world with such efficiency is twofold. For starters, we have thumbs. Thumbs are great! Thumbs allow us to pick up teacups and stick a pinky out while drinking from them.

Look at me, I'm a prick!

The other thing we got going for us that animals don't? Technology. Thats what really separates us from those toy poodles that mindlessly hump your leg. Technology has allowed us to build cities, find cures to diseases, and make Cher look like an alien!

We still don't know if she comes in peace...

Despite all the great things technology has done for the human race, there are still those people who lash out against it. There are those people that say pollution caused by the human race is going to kill polar bears and melt big chunks of ice, because you know ice doesn't naturally melt when it gets warm and all. These are the same people that say computers and phones and Facebook have not brought us together, but farther apart. You know what I call those people? Hippies.

I hope when the Chinese invade they kill the hippies first

Technology has made the world small! Technology has made everyones lives better and more interconnected! You want to see pictures of your cousins newborn baby, but they live across the country? They can just email you pictures! You want to keep in touch with your significant other on the go? Cellphones! You want to see a gigantic panda fart? Youtube!

The only way to make technology better and to make people more connected is to have more technology. You have a computer? Not good enough, you also need a laptop, a tablet, and a smartphone. You only have one TV? Not good enough. You need atleast three and 4000 HD channels to go on it. You only have one bluetooth headset in your ear at all times? Weak shit son, you need two!

There is too much win for words in this picture

You aren't truly connected unless you have a Flickr account open on your computer, are texting with atleast three people on your phone, watching Netflix on your TV, and have at least a Facebook and Twitter account open (and if you are a pedophile, a Myspace account) all at the same time! You know what enhances talking to someone in person? Talking to them through Skype, IN THE SAME ROOM! You know why it enhances it? Because technology is awesome! Don't be an animal, be human, and use as much technology as possible!

The Evolution of Man

(In response to Chivalry)

For millions of years, man has evolved. There are branches of science dedicated to it. There are thousands of books and papers written about it. Mankind as we know it is drastically different even from our ancestors a few hundred years back. Through all of the changes that mankind has gone through, one thing has remained the same...men will chase after women.

Don't Stop Believing!

Now while man throughout the ages has chased after their female counterparts, the method in which they chased after them has evolved along with mankind. Let's take a quick look through the past at mens preferred methods of chasing tail.

First we had the original man, Adam, in the Garden of Eden. Even while he was living in paradise you know what lengths he went to to get a woman? He removed his own rib! I've seen men stoop to low levels to get a girl (like watching Sleepless in Seattle...), but removing a body part? Cracka please.

Then after a few hundred years passed, mankind evolved some more into cavemen. What cavemen realized in their evolved state was that giving up anything to get a woman was worthless. Their preferred method? Clubbing their desired mate over the head and dragging her into the cave. Talk about foreplay!

Wooden Clubs, the worlds first pimp canes

Next up? The middle ages. Men at this point in history were still running with the "take what you can catch" method. Whatever woman happened to be in their path as they pillaged a town ended up on the back of a horse and right into the stable. Oh the good old days.

Eventually the middle ages turned into the renaissance, and this is where we start to see a drastic change in how men were getting women. It was no longer take by brute force, it was paint the girl nude, then sing to her, then swoon her into your loft where you made passionate love instead of goat noises. It was an odd time where artists and painters were ladies men. I know, the thought scares me too.

You can stop believing...

After this brief period of people appreciating the arts, mankind fell back onto some other practices that came in and out of the various historical periods. There were tons of methods to chase tail. For guys who had no game? Whore houses. For guys who were playing a different game? Incest. For those who were too lazy and lived before the days of buying a Russian bride over the internet? Arranged marriages.

Then along came the modern age. The here and now. In our currently evolved state, men have two options in their pursuit of women, they can either be an asshole...

Hey, atleast he'll compliment your rack

Or they can be a metro-sexual!

"So let me get this straight honey...you want everyone to have to guess what my sexuality is?

At some point in history, girls realized they could make guys work for their affection, and they exploited it like the Egyptians exploited slaves. After years of making guys lift every object for them, open every door, work all day to bring the money into the house, and generally be their "strong man," women got bored of this. Enter the feminist. All of a sudden the female population wanted to vote, wanted to have careers, wanted to be independent. They no longer wanted the stereotypical macho-man. Instead they wanted some creature who knew fashion, could wear jeans that would look thin on a Kenyan marathon runner, actually cared about their day, and would listen to all their problems and not need three beers to get through it. Women wanted someone sensitive.

"After I'm done telling you all my problems, I'm going to go sleep with that dude in the Hawaiian shirt"

It is at this point in history that Chivalry died. When women decided they wanted someone more sensitive, men evolved to become that man. Men would wage war for a woman in the past...becoming dangerously close to gay for a woman is hardly as extreme in comparison. So the next time a woman complains about there being no true gentlemen left in this world, look her straight in the eye and tell her, "You did this."

Then proceed to act like a tool and demean her, as that will probably get her to sleep with you.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

(In response to Traveling)

When you think of an airport, whats the first thing you think of? Do you think of nice steakhouses? How about swanky clubs? Ballroom dancing? No, no, and hell no. The first thing you think of is this:

TSA...Protecting us from Nuns since 1967

Oh airport security, how we all hate you. In this day and age you basically have to strip down naked and perform DUI tests before you allowed to proceed to the cavity search, and then eventually to your plane. Of course the fun isn't over once you do get through that TSA checkpoint. I imagine the second thing that comes to mind when you think of airports and flying is the fear that you'll be stuck in-between these guys:

USA! USA! USA!

Just imagine sitting in the middle seat between your choice of two of the three guys in the picture above on a 5 hour plane ride that may or may not get delayed on the runway for 3 hours. I just love flying! Atleast they only charge you 3 dollars for that pack of peanuts! Now you are probably saying to yourself, how could travelling get any worse? Well I'll tell you how, if you dress like this:

Hipsters...They are to straight men what holy water is to vampires

Why on earth would you want to be wearing ties and tight pants and full on suits while being stuck between Thing 1 and Thing 2 on a crowded plane for 6 hours? Where's the sense in that? Are you planning on picking up the ladies at the overpriced airport Applebee's during your layover? Are you trying to get into the mile high club with that 57 year old airline hostess? The only way to travel in "Style" is to drop a couple hundred grand on a private jet. You might as well wear comfortable clothes when you travel since that might be the only comfortable part of your trip.