Look Who's Back!

Guess who's back? No not these people, me! Yes your lovable Sometimes at Night writer is back to dispel the lies perpetuated by Class All Day, and to proclaim the truth and facts the world needs to know! But you may be asking, "Where have you been for the past 6 months?" Well I think a better question is where haven't I been. The past 6 months I've been travelling around the world telling people what's really up. You may have heard of some of my escapades. Just to point out some of my more notable accomplishments:

• The riots in Egypt (Caused by me informing the Egyptian people they didn't have to wear pants in the summer)
• Occupy Wall Street (Caused by this article. Good to see America is reading my blog!)
• The Liberation of Libya (Who knew the Libyan's loved Technology as much as me?)
• Anthony D. Weiner Resigns (Maybe he should of evolved a bit more...)
• The death of Kim Jong-il (I didn't actually do anything to cause this, it's just notable)

With having accomplished so much around the globe, I thought it was about time for me to come back home and keep fighting the good fight. I picked a good time to come back too, since Class All Day has not one, but two posts I have yet to rebuke. So let's waste no more time, and as part of my comeback special, I give you two responses for the price of one!

Skinny Dipping

(In response to Swim Trunks)

Look, I'm not going to lie to you, I haven't been to a pool in ages. This isn't by choice. Apparently the law frowns upon people sunbathing nude at the public pool while allowing people the size of whales to wear bikini's. I'm sorry if I don't believe in tan lines, but just because you can't handle my pasty white body doesn't mean you can kick me out of a public pool and put me on a sexual predators list. I evade paying the taxes that pay for that swimming pool damnit!

Beached whale or American tourist? Do you really want to guess?

Since the law dictates we have to be somewhat clothed at a swimming pool, I suppose I should address this. As you all know I preach equality here between the sexes (I couldn't even type that with a straight face). Society basically demands for better or for worse that women must wear as little as possible to the pool. You know what that means guys? It's time to break out that speedo! No not that fitted swim trunk crap, I'm talking this:

Excuse me while I go vomit...

Look it's the only fair thing to do. If girls get to shake what their mother gave them, then guys surely get to jiggle what a majority of them can't see anymore due to their massive beer bellies. Now I know some of you might feel uncomfortable with this, and that's to be expected. But there are two ways to combat this feeling. First don't be afraid to stuff. That's all I'm going to say about that. Secondly, just wear obnoxious patterns that will cause people to not want to look at you! I mean it's a bathing suit, you wear it under the water, who really cares?

This picture is entirely unrelated, I just had to post something to get the previous image out of my head

So you guys know what to do. Obnoxious patterns and pasty white bodies. Its what makes America great!

Represent!

(In response to 3rd Party Jerseys)

Oh sports. The only thing better than watching a football game is watching two women fight over who gets to make you a sandwich. Us American's are a sports driven culture. Our athletes are celebrities who make millions of dollars. We have a TV network dedicated to sports. We even create sports to play while we are drinking in preparation to go watch a sporting event!

Leave it to some frat boys to figure out a sport that revolves around beer...

The great thing about sports though is that they bring out such individual pride. You root for your team, for your city, and your country. You wear those jersey's with pride, with honor, and with drunken abandonment! The problem in this day and age is we are a mobile group of people. How many people still live in the same place they grew up in? Of course you aren't going to abandon the team you grew up cheering for, and you definitely aren't going to give up going to sporting events. So what is one to do? Well you have a few options:

1) Betray your roots and wear the jersey of another team.

Strangest looking Cowboys fan I've ever seen...

This is the only option that is unacceptable. Wearing the jersey of another team, let alone a rival, is the same as punching your mother in the face. You don't do it under any circumstance! There's no justification for it. I'd rather you take a bath in perfume before I'd condone wearing the sports jersey of another team that isn't yours!

2) Wear a generic Jersey that everyone can appreciate.

Go my favorite sports team!

While this isn't my preferred solution to the problem, it is an acceptable one. When all else fails, just pull out the national pride card! I mean who currently in America besides hippies and illegal immigrants doesn't love the United States? This is the win win option. You are still supporting one of your teams, in this case America (except for the American soccer team, because they suck), and you aren't pissing off anyone. Everyone is happy! Of course if you want to be a true American and be a total dick, you can always...

3) Make no compromises and wear your team's jersey everywhere!

I...uh...well...about that....

Look just because you move to a different city doesn't mean you need to all of a sudden respect everything about that cities culture. You didn't stop watching your favorite sports team when you moved did you? So why would you stop wearing their jersey? Just because some friend of yours is dumb enough to invite you to a sporting event that doesn't involve your team doesn't mean you have to "respect" that team and the other team playing and not wear your jersey. It's important to let everyone know at all times who you cheer for.

So the next time you wear a Bruins jersey to a Packers-Ravens football game and someone yells at you for wearing a 3rd party jersey, just look them right in the eyes and yell, "1st amendment bitches!"

Bling Bling

(In response to Accessories)

I'm afraid we need to discuss something here before we get to the main part of this article. As you all know, the purpose of my blog is respond to those people over at Class All Day and correct their lies. Well in their latest post about Accessories, I noticed something that just, well, it was a bit low even for them. Some might even say it was un-classy. What am I talking about you ask? Well I'm talking about plagiarism.

Take a look at this screen shot I took from their blog.

Does anything about that screen shot look familiar to you? Maybe you should brush up on some of my previous articles, specifically my article on Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. For those of you too lazy too look through that, let me post the screen shot of importance from that article.

Does anything look...familiar about that screenshot? It's almost like there's some similarity between Class All Day's most recent blog post, and a post that I wrote back on May 4th. Oh wait, now I see it, THEY STOLE MY IMAGE THAT I STOLE FROM GOOGLE!! I mean they weren't even subtle about it. I'm surprised they didn't rip off my caption as well.

Now I realize that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. By Class All Day just taking things from my articles and posting it in there's, they have essentially announced to the internet that they are wrong. They are admitting that my posts are not only full of better ideas (thus why they are stealing them), but that I'm inherently correct in everything I write, which by default makes everything they write a lie. To most people, this realization would be enough to quell their anger. Me? Well, I'm petty. So in the spirit of Class All Day both plagiarizing and admitting that I am right, I'm going to go ahead and rewrite their Accessories article right here in this article. Seems fair doesn't it? So, on to the article.

Bling Bling

The definition of accessory is, "Something nonessential but desirable that contributes to an effect or result." What is the key part of that definition? The word nonessential. That's right, by definition, accessories to an outfit are not essential. They only exist to add to the ambiance of your little outfit. Well if there's been one consistent theme I've taught you my fellow readers, it's that more is always better. So when it comes to figuring out what accessories you want to wear, just ask yourself, whats the clothing equivalent of wearing a lit sparkler around your neck? (Answer: Wearing a lit sparkler around your neck). The bigger the effect, the better. So while I'll only go into detail about some possible accessories for you to bling yourself out with, don't think these are your only options. Use your imagination! If you want a grill, by all means get yourself a grill! If you want to wear peacock feathers on your head, who am I to stop you? The only limit to your accessories is what the law dictates.

Watches

What is the purpose of a watch? Now you must be thinking this is some type of trick question, because its such a simple question. But trust me, I'm not trying to trick you my dear readers. The purpose of a watch is to tell time. That's it. In fact in this day and age, clocks come on everything. There is a clock on your phone, in your car, on your mp3 player, and even on condoms (presumably so you know when it's business time). So with keeping track of time so easy nowadays, why on earth would you ever pay more than $15 for a watch? It's the same principle I wrote about in my last post about purses. It's a bag of fabric, why pay a grand for it? The only difference between a $15 dollar watch and a $2000 dollar rolex is the price tag. They both keep time, and that's the point of a watch, so why waste your time and money picking out a "nice" watch?

Now that we've determined that watches are for telling time and it doesn't really matter what watch you use, we have to come to terms with something. In terms of making a statement...watches are kind of bland. Everyone has them. Even if your watch is more expensive than someone else's, it still looks like a watch, unless of course you steal Flava Flav's watch and put it on a hippo. Now that would catch some peoples attention.

You think he got that watch from Walmart?

So how do you make a statement with a watch? It goes back to the same principle I keep preaching, wear more watches! Now I'm not talking about a couple of watches. I'm talking about 15 on each arm! I realize you already have 4 or 5 on your belt by way of phones in holsters, but if you are wearing a sleeve of watches plus a grandfather clock around your neck, its pretty safe to assume that everyone and their blind grandmother will notice you. Also, don't be afraid to wear digital watches. The point of a watch is to tell the time, and you don't want to be late to your white supremacy meeting because it took you ten minutes to read your watch.

I hired someone with all the money I saved by buying a cheap watch to take notes for me

Bags

Editors Note: In trying to rewrite this paragraph, I had some trouble understanding what the hell the author was trying to say. We should be dressed the same way our girlfriends are dressed, but we shouldn't dress in such a way that makes people question whether we are male or female? What? So men shouldn't carry a big bag, and should wear a pretty polka dot dress. And Class All Day expects us to take them seriously? I mean they are telling us we should be cross dressers! Here's my rewrite to this whole paragraph that was supposed to be about bag accessories: Women shouldn't pay more than $20 dollars on a bag/purse. Men shouldn't ever carry a bag or "man purse" unless they want people taking bets on if they are gay. There, done, lets move on.

Something tells me Class All Day won't be stealing this image...

Belts/Shoes

I have a love/hate relationship with belts. I love that they keep my pants up so people don't see my whitey tighties. I love that I can take it off and use it to teach my woman that you never use Swiss cheese on a grilled cheese sandwich (American or GTFO). I hate that wannabe cowboys wear these belts with these huge belt buckles that scream, "I'm compensating for whats right below this huge belt buckle." However, as much as I hate those huge belt buckles, in terms of accessorizing, they are a necessary evil. A belt is a belt. However if you can attach a giant belt buckle to it that is a blinged out dollar sign that spins, well now you are a making a statement. I know I know, I just said that big belt buckles are just people trying to compensate, but isn't accessorizing really just a way of compensating anyway? As long as you are committing the crime, might as well embrace it.

Oh and in terms of matching your belt to your shoes, or whatever nonsense that is, who cares? You know what the one thing is no one ever notices about your outfit? Your shoes. Why? Because who ever looks at someones feet? The purpose of shoes is to protect your feet. That's it. People notice if you are barefoot, and that's about it. So go ahead and find a comfortable $5 dollar pair of shoes at K-Mart. Save that money and spend it on something awesome, like lava lamp pants. Now THAT is accessorizing!

Also acceptable, these shoes.

Common Sense

(In response to Shorts.)

Winter coats and shoes are sooo 2008

The year was 1775. The most powerful empire in the world was the British Empire. They had the biggest military, navy, and their influence over the world was undeniable. To try and take on the British was suicide...and that's exactly what America did in 1775. Now everyone knows the end result of the American Revolution, but how exactly did we Americans win? Simple, we used common sense. Standard war practices back in the 1700's were, well, pretty stupid. Both sides would line up in an open field, aim at each other, and then fire. The British made it even easier for the other side to spot them by wearing bright red. This was war, and in the 1700's the British were exceedingly good at shooting from straight lines.

And at terrifying the enemy with their teeth

Well when we crafty Americans started this war with the English and saw the way they were doing things, George Washington looked at the giant line of red painted targets and said, "Screw that noise, we gonna shoot from behind rocks and shit." And that's what we did. While the British in their brightly colored uniforms lined up neatly in the open, the Americans in their darker outfits hid behind trees and rocks and fired upon them. Is it any wonder that we won? All it took to overthrow the most powerful empire in the world was for one person to realize that shooting from behind something was more effective than shooting from the middle of an open field. Common sense. It's what separates us from the youtube sensations.

"What do you mean humans can't fly?"

The ability to rationalize is what separated the human race from the animals as well. Cavemen realized that when the weather got cold, they should put on more clothing because it kept them warmer. When winter became spring, and the weather became warmer, cavemen then learned, predictably, that they should take off some of their clothing because it was hot. Common sense. By adapting to the weather conditions, the human race was able to stay healthy and comfortable year round while continuing to live and work.

Once we reached the modern era, something terrible happened to common sense. It died. Specifically, people invented this absurd notion of fashion. Nothing about fashion makes sense. In fact it spits in the face of common sense. Let's go down the list of things in fashion that go against conventional wisdom.

First, the corset. Yea it was great at giving a woman some serious curves, but at the cost of being able to breath. You know, no biggie.

It was so much easier to pick up women back in the day. All you did was wait for them to pass out...then you picked them up and carried them away

Oh and what about the monocle? That made a shit ton of sense didn't it? Hey, let me continually squint so I can keep this round piece of glass over one of my eyes that doesn't actually serve any purpose except for some reason it will make me look classy! Brilliant! Oh and those wigs men used to wear back when we were fighting the British in order to show status. Man I wish we could bring those back. Nothing like non-bald men wearing wigs. Pinnacle of common sense.

Can't. Look. Away...

The other thing fashion does is take something that is seemingly a good idea, and make it nonsensical. For example, take a woman's purse. The idea of a purse is pretty good I must admit. It's essentially a stylish backpack. Then someone went and made them cost $1000 dollars. Wait...people pay a grand for a bag made out of fabric? I mean I realize women have to keep their travel spatulas somewhere, but $1000 for a bag?! Also this:

"I see shoe, I see head, I see shoe on head!"

Even fashion spits in the face of fashion. If the point of fashion is to look good at the expense of comfort...then why the hell do Ugg boots exist? Explain this to me? They are ugly as sin! Of course someone will tell me, "But they are super warm and comfortable." You know what else is comfortable...wearing shorts when its hot. But that's against fashion trends and Ugg boots aren't...is anyone else failing to see the logic in this?

Brain...melting...from...the herpes I just got from looking at that girl...

That leads us conveniently to the point of this article. Apparently it is undignified for a man to wear shorts. Like...ever. If you want to look classy and be an upstanding gentlemen, you have to wear pants year round. Why you may be asking? I don't know. If fashion dictated that you had to wear shorts in the winter, would anyone follow that trend? Of course not, because that's retarded. This whole pants thing is just more proof of fashion turning on fashion. Society wants us to go to the gym and be fit, yet they want us to hide those sculpted legs under pants? Society wants us to smell good and wear fragrances, yet they want us to wear pants in 90 degree heat that cause so much swass that no amount of perfume can hide it? It's ok, my brain hurts too.

The main goal of the human race is to live comfortably. You can't tell me otherwise. Men wanted to be comfortable where they were living, so they built shelter. Men wanted to be able to eat on a regular basis, so they created agriculture. Men wanted to be warm in the winter and cool in the summer, so they dressed appropriately. Common sense. It's how mankind defeated nature and how America defeated England. Don't let it go to waste.

Hook it to my Veins!

(In response to Gym Etiquette)

I hate the gym. To me the gym is kind of like a colonoscopy...it's awkward, slightly painful, and the entire time you're wondering why you are even going through with this while some sweaty dude stands next to you cheering you on.

"I'm taking night classes to become a proctologist"

Given my hatred of gyms, I predictably don't go to them. I have embraced my white Kenyan body form. Sure I may have trouble lifting a gallon of milk, but once I get it to the kitchen it's the woman's problem, not mine. I never understood why people went to the gym. Finding it unacceptable that I didn't understand something, I sat down and tried to figure out the motivation people had for going to the gym. After many Mikes Hard Lemonades and texting conversations, I came up with two reasons why people go to the gym...compensation and tail.

You know what they say about guys with big feet...that they have more surface area to press down on the gas pedal of a phallic shaped car!

It's easy to pick out someone who is compensating for something. If some guy comes rolling up in an overpriced Corvette wearing aviators, two popped collars, and Essence of Douche by Giorgio Armani reeking from his clothes, then he is probably trying to compensate for the fact that he suffers from limp dick. He isn't fooling anyone. He probably isn't even fooling himself, but Lord bless him for trying!

Of course this method of trying to compensate is expensive. This is where the gym comes in. Let me paint a hypothetical situation for you. Mr. McDaisy is having a rough day. He got fired from his job at Toys R Us because an 8 year old beat him with a plastic bat, then proceeded to steal an Xbox. He then came home to his girlfriend cheating on him in his bed with his brother, who then made Mr. McDaisy take pictures of it. Finally, to top it off, as Mr. McDaisy seeked solitude at his favorite poetry cafe, the barista gave him the wrong flavor of chai tea.

To be fair, the 8 year old was kind of a BAMF

At this point, Mr. McDaisy starts to re-evaluate his life a bit. He no longer feels like a man. He thinks about going to a psychologist to work out his crippling daddy issues. He thinks about going to a support group. Then Mr. McDaisy has an epiphany of sorts. Why work through all the serious mental and emotional problems he has, which takes alot of time and energy, when he can just start going to the gym and get jacked. Afterall, no one questions the man whose neck is hidden by steroid fueled muscles.

This is reason number one why people go to the gym. They aren't feeling manly enough anymore, so they go work out and work up a sweat and slap other guys asses. It's like an instant shot of manly self esteem. Sure some may go off the deep end a bit, start roid raging, and go home so angry that they eat a dinner plate, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made in order to compensate for your insecurities.

"I like to wash down my HGH with human blood!"

The second reason most people go to the gym is the motivation behind 80% of mans actions, to woo a female (motivation for the other 20% is promise of pizza afterwards). Now if I had trouble understanding why guys go to the gym, I really had trouble understanding why girls went to the gym. I mean how strong do you have to be to use a stove? I suppose I shouldn't complain if girls want to stay in shape and look good, but it still baffles me a bit.

I'm sure that two and a half pound weight is going to help you lift a frying pan later

Regardless, where there are women, there are men trying to pick up those women. The gym isn't all that bad of a place to try and pick up girls in all honesty. I mean you are already sweaty and smell of other men's asses, and after that two hour long bicep workout your guns are looking pretty good. You look like the pinnacle of a man. The only thing better would be if you had a dead deer carcass thrown over your shoulder. Conveniently, girls tend to all be in one spot in a gym, on the treadmills and ellipticals, so it's basically like a show room floor! All you got to do is walk down the aisle and examine the goods.

It's like being a kid in a candy store...where the candy can reject you

Girls will say that they hate it when guys walk by all slowly and give them the look while they are running. They will look down at their magazine or up at the TV, but really, they are just playing hard to get. No always means try harder. If you have to bring your friend along just so as you walk by you can casually say that you maxed 75 pounds on a bench press, so be it. In this day and age, the gym is the closest we come to the purest interaction between men and women...girls running and big manly men trying to catch them. While I don't entirely support the gym, I do support this behavior of picking up women. So men, work on those biceps, wear those sleeveless shirts, add some axe body spray, and get on the prowl!

How to Succeed in Business

(In response to Phone Holsters)

There are a couple of common misconceptions about how a person can make it in the business world. The first big one is that people assume in order to be successful, you need to have the drive, motivation, and business degree from Harvard. People think you have to be the smartest person in the room, the most savvy, and be rocking a $2000.00 dollar custom Italian suit. The other big misconception people have is that the only way to make it to the top is to know people. Sure it always helps if your dad is the CEO, but it isn't as necessary as you might think.

Using family to get ahead is so much easier than sleeping with that sweaty HR guy

In reality, all of this is crap! You don't need to know someone, you don't need to be all that motivated, and you don't even have to have a fancy education. Hell you don't even need to know what to do! Now someone is undoubtedly asking, "Well then Mr. JM, what do we need to do in order to succeed in this world?" Well the answer is quite simple...fake it!

Most of my former girlfriends would be good at business

Succeeding in life isn't about knowing anything, its about pretending like you know everything! It's about appearances. It's about walking into a room with millionaires with exactly $20 dollars to your name and acting like you could buy out every one of them. If someone comes up to you and starts asking about how you would restructure the financial hierarchy of the subordinate infrastructure of a multinational corporation, you do what I just did and string together a bunch of large and fancy words into one sentence that sounds like it could mean something . If they ask you about your education, you don't tell them you got a liberal arts degree from JMU, you tell them about how the real world enhanced those business courses you took. I'm not telling you to lie, I'm telling you to spin the truth. If you speak with confidence, people will listen no matter what you are saying. Just ask Hitler.

"I have no business education, no formal training, and live in a cardboard box!"

It isn't enough to sound like you know what you are doing, you also have to look like you know what you are doing. How do you do that? It's simple. For starters go out and buy one of those knock off Rolex's, because no one is ever going to notice. Then go out and find a $30 suit that looks decent, sew on a designer label, and wear it with pride. Everyone will think the suit is about 10 times more expensive than it really is!

This is a good start, but it isn't quite enough. Now that you look expensive, you also have to look busy as to prevent people from coming up and talking to you. This is where my previous post on Technology comes into play. If you have a headset on at all times, with a phone in hand, an iPad and a laptop in a man purse, and two phones holstered around your belt, everyone knows you are ready for business. No one is going to come up and talk to you and interrupt you because they don't know if you are on the phone with a million dollar client or not. Sure that phone in one of your holsters might just be a cardboard box you painted black, but who is going to notice?

OK, even I admit this might be pushing the limits a bit...

Appearances my friends. Thats the name of the game. It isn't about what you know, who you know, or even if you have a job at the place you are currently pretending to work at. All that matters is that job title and never giving a straight answer to anything. Business 101.